Navigating Life's Tough Talks

Unlock the secrets to becoming a more powerful and expressive communicator in our latest episode featuring Erin Roberts, the visionary behind the Confident Communicator Method. Erin takes us on her inspiring journey from the performing arts world to empowering women in high-stakes situations. Discover how her innovative four-step process helps women find their voice and confidently navigate challenging scenarios such as asking for raises, dealing with job replacements, and overcoming abusive relationships.

Explore the crucial connection between communication and mental well-being as we delve into managing anxiety and stress through effective non-verbal communication. Erin shares valuable insights from her YouTube channel, Erin Roberts Co, including practical tips on improving your body language in both personal and professional settings. We also touch upon the impact of technology on young children and the importance of mindful parenting to foster better communication skills from an early age.

Join us as we uncover the dynamics of relationship communication and the importance of preparation for emotionally charged conversations. Through touching personal anecdotes, including the challenges of dealing with a spouse with Parkinson's, we highlight the significance of setting clear goals and choosing the right moments for discussions. We wrap up with a heartfelt reflection on the anticipation of childbirth and the profound importance of thoughtful expression. Gain valuable tools and insights to boost your communication confidence and foster deeper connections in every aspect of your life.

Chapters

• 0:03 Empowering Women Through Communication
• 10:12 Navigating Anxiety Through Communication
• 16:59 Effective Communication and Relationship Dynamics
• 31:01 Labor and Expression

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:03

Let me ask you a question what kind of communicator are you? Because I thought I was very good communicator for a long time and since starting this podcast, I'm finding out. I have my little places, I can improve and I think we all can. So today I have invited Erin Roberts to discuss this with us, because communication is more than just talking and we need to amp up our language skills. Today, erin, say hi to our audience.

Speaker 2: 0:37

Hi everybody. Hi Mimi, thank you so much for having me on the podcast.

Speaker 1: 0:41

Well, I'm so thrilled that you're here because you are the creator of the Confident Communicator Method, which sounds very impressive, and this is a unique performing art. You have a performing arts background, correct? I do, and I'm excited about that because one of my grandsons it was in theater school for a couple of years now and now he's going to New York making the big leap. Oh, wow, Good for him. And he was accepted for the Stella Adler Theater School for the summer Wow. So you know, I'm very excited about that, as you can tell.

Speaker 2: 1:22

Yeah, no, that's a big deal. The Stella Adler method is is very well renowned.

Speaker 1: 1:28

Yeah, so I'm very proud of him. And. But you help women learn how to have high stakes conversations with confidence. Because you know, I know for myself, being a young woman in the 60s and 70s very hard to get respected anywhere in the home, in business, in public. It was horrible, but I was pretty gutsy and I made sure I got heard. Yep, so for over two decades you've been helping mostly women. Yes, yep, so you've helped singers, actors, public speakers and just everyday people like us. That's great. How to make a voice and how to speak the truth with clarity, power and expression. Expression is very important. Yep, it is. It really really is. You can get a lot across without saying a word. I'm, as a child, um, so anyway, let's get going. So what do you do professionally that empowers women?

Speaker 2: 2:40

yeah, thank you for that, um, that very thorough description. So my method the confident communicator. It teaches a four step process to help women speak up for themselves in those moments that matter the most. And those could be a variety of different things, because what matters to you and me may be different right of different things. Because what matters to you and me may be different, right. You read in my bio I have worked a lot with performing artists.

Speaker 2: 3:09

I have worked with public speakers, actors, and just realizing how much of that work that we do on the stage can translate over into these more everyday moments, which is where I found myself struggling more so with communication, was not so much at work or in my performing life, but more so at home, in my intimate relationships. And so those were those meaningful, high stakes moments that mattered a lot to me. And those moments could be. They could be work related, something like asking for a raise, for example, or having to deliver some constructive feedback to someone who reports to you at work. That can be uncomfortable but a very important moment.

Speaker 2: 3:54

Or, in a more personal life side of things, just moments at home. If you're partnered with your partner, communicating things that may be emotionally charged. You know as much as our people at home know us and love us. There's also still those uncomfortable moments where we might have to say something or speak up for ourselves, and it doesn't feel great in the moment, but we know that later it will pay off and those are so. Those are some of the high stakes moments that that my program helps women to prepare for and learn the skills for and confidently execute, so that they can feel that sense of power within themselves that, yes, I can. Yes, I can communicate what I need and yes, I can create a life that I love because of being myself.

Speaker 1: 4:45

Yes, and I again will bring up my decades when I wouldn't dare ask for a raise. A woman never asked for a raise, and I remember the one time I had been working somewhere and I liked it and the pay was fine and I liked everyone. And the boss said I want you to train my daughter how to do this job. And I naively thought she was just going to be more help. Needless to say, I was training her to replace me.

Speaker 2: 5:15

Oh gosh what a painful experience.

Speaker 1: 5:18

It was very painful, one of many, and I could not believe and didn't tell me in advance. Like it's not, like we have you know, we're coming back, we have to let you go, I'm gonna turn it no. So that happens a lot and it's still happening, you know, still happens. So I also um two field marriages, but communication would not help there, because they were prehistoric men.

Speaker 2: 5:50

They were cavemen, let me guess irreconcilable differences, irreconcilable.

Speaker 1: 5:56

They each got seven years of my life. I got two children out of it, raised those two children without child support, went through a lot of abuse, and the first book I wrote is called Raised by Wolves, trapped by Demons, because the wolves are my parents, who would not let me leave the house, wanted me to be a worker, be for the rest of my life, to give them money, oh, wow, yeah. And the demons were the men. When I tried to escape, the only way in those days was get married. Of course, that was my first attempt and then it was abusive, damaged men. That's all that I seemed attracted to. But you know, I got through it and and this is why I wrote the book because I did get through it and my husband. Today we are together, 37 years.

Speaker 2: 6:51

Oh, congrats, that's beautiful.

Speaker 1: 6:53

So that shows you, it was them, not me.

Speaker 2: 6:56

There you go, yeah, and thank you for sharing those stories. You know, I come from a different time and a different generation and I'm always aware and so appreciative of the women who came before, who fought, you know, a lot of those initial battles women's voting rights, women's rights in the workplace, some of the more social struggles with you know raising children and expectations at home and different things and I'm so lucky to have the benefit of those women. I also am excited about setting up the next generations of women. You know, my, my daughter, is going to be born any day. Now. She's, she's here 39 weeks pregnant, but I think about her and I think about how important it is, as a mom, for me to set those examples, and for my son too, you know, but I think especially for young women to. We have that extra layer of of challenge that does still exist, you're absolutely right, does still exist in the workplace. We are still paid less, we are still seen in a different way, we are still discriminated for taking time off to raise children.

Speaker 1: 8:06

And they're taking back those rights that we fought for. That really upsets me, because the 60s and 70s we fought for things right. We didn't have the right to vote. People women don't realize young women we didn't have the right to vote. For a long time In the 60s you couldn't even get a credit card unless your husband signed it for you. Oh my good Lord, yep. And the abortion, thing same thing. And I was wrong with Gloria Steinem and all that. And now I see all that we fought for over the past 50 years or more being taken away. It's very scary. So my empowerment journey, which I talk about in that book, and the obstacles that I had to come up against One of the things you mentioned your daughter and one of the things that I did when I had my two little girls 18 months apart, was drill into their head that they were going to college.

Speaker 1: 9:09

Now, keep in mind that I had no money for food or clothes. Oh gosh, you were dreaming. Well, no, I was determined, because I would go to the Goodwill Salvation Army, wherever I had to go, to get food, clothing, whatever. Welfare was not enough. Food stamps was not enough. I would get little side jobs. I would do whatever I had to do. But I always say to them you're going to college, you are going to college, it's very important. And my girls all went to college, including my stepdaughter. Yes, all went to college, including my stepdaughter. Yes, I'm very proud of them and I'm very happy that I nagged them for the first 18 years. Yes, because I know my one daughter said a friend of hers once when she was in high school said oh, do you plan on going to college? She said planned. I've been commanded to remember.

Speaker 2: 10:07

Yeah.

Speaker 1: 10:08

Yeah.

Speaker 2: 10:09

No, thank you for for sharing that, and I think that's so important. Um, I'm I'm an educator. You know, I've worked in public education, off and on, for a long time, and, um, so that's very near and dear to my heart as well, and I agree that that is, that's one of the ways for women to continue, you know, to continue to, to build past and build on what the women before us have fought for us and how we can keep going. And, um, communication is such a big part of that is teaching women that, yes, we're going to have this extra layer of uncomfortableness but, yes, we can learn how to speak up for ourselves. It might be at home, it might be in the workplace, it might be with friends, parents, whoever, even, you know, even our children, you know, I'm, I have, I'm learning how to speak to my son and he's, he's two and a half, and learning how to communicate with him, and that's a whole, that's a whole new ball game to communicate with him, and that's a whole.

Speaker 1: 11:04

That's a whole new ball game. You got it. And they're so smart and they know too much. Well, they always knew too much, but now they're exposed to a lot more information and they get on your phone or whatever. It's kind of hard to say no, you know, but yeah, I know. You're talking about my three and a half year old great grandson, which I can't believe it when it comes out of my mouth.

Speaker 1: 11:29

Oh, that's so beautiful, I know, but it's scary. He is. He's just like he will roll your eyes, his eyes at you and give you that side. I mean like he knows all the body language you know and he's a joker and he's smart and I'm thinking, look out. But let me get back on track here, because you have a YouTube channel. Right, I do. What's the name of your YouTube channel? I don't think I have that in my notes.

Speaker 2: 12:04

Yep, my handle is at Erin E-R-I-N Roberts R-O-B-E-R-T-S co. C-o at Erin Roberts Co. And I have a few videos up there. It's a newer channel, but I did put up a four-part series that I'm very proud of, and that four-part series walks individuals through my method, the four pieces to my method, which are starting with your beliefs what do you believe about your voice and believe about yourself as a speaker or communicator, and what do you want to believe about yourself? What do you want to believe about your ability to communicate?

Speaker 2: 12:40

Part two goes into the skills. So we say, okay, once we've decided what we want, what is our goal, how do we want to be communicating, then what skills do you need to back that up? Cause beliefs are super important. Mindset is, is, is the utmost, but if you don't have the hard skills to back it up, you're still going to struggle. So those are things like um, looking you mentioned uh, non-verbals. So body language, posture, gesture, facial expressions, a lot of that stuff that we learn automatically and we learn naturally from our caregivers when we're young. We're we're a lot of times not aware of how our face is coming across, how our shoulders, how our head.

Speaker 1: 13:24

Yep, my father, who was an alcoholic, he would. He would call me down middle of the night kitchen table and go on and on and on about his terrible childhood and everything, and I wouldn't say a word. And then after a while he'd look at me and he'd say, well, if looks could kill, kill, I'd be dead. And I've been told all my life you, my face is just tells it. All right, but getting back to the children and the college and all that legacy is very important. And my, my two biological daughters, when they were 18 months old and two years old, I was going to college.

Speaker 1: 14:11

So on top of the finding money for the macaroni and cheese, I was going to college, oh wow, and I was able to get two years in before one of the ex-husbands just made it intolerable. But then, 10 years later, I finished. So I got a bachelor's degree at 40, 41 years old.

Speaker 2: 14:35

Oh, congratulations. I love that story, but that just shows you determination.

Speaker 1: 14:43

And don't forget about the dream. It's not just a dream, it's what you're meant to do sometimes, even if you don't realize it. So okay, so, aaron Robertsco, is that what you said, dot co?

Speaker 2: 14:58

It's Aaron Roberts co.

Speaker 1: 15:00

Just co and no dot after.

Speaker 2: 15:02

You know, yeah, not on my YouTube channel.

Speaker 1: 15:06

I've been seeing this Earl and I didn't understand it, because I always see org net com and all of a sudden I'm seeing co and I'm thinking are they missing a letter?

Speaker 2: 15:21

Yeah, I know that's confusing because my website it is co Erin Roberts, co. And initially it is confusing because you're right. Sometimes you wonder did they just forget the M? And I think we ran out of coms because there's so many people I was wondering.

Speaker 1: 15:41

So that's all it is. It's just like when we run out of hurricane names.

Speaker 2: 15:45

Yeah, exactly, they just invented a new. You know my first and last name are fairly common, so the dot com wasn't available, so I took dot co.

Speaker 1: 15:54

Well, you know, I think you clarified that for a lot of my listeners because it's fairly new. I think I just got noticing a lot lately. All right, so we're learning all kinds of things here today. So your YouTube channel, I'm going to check that out and, yeah, please do. Let me talk about this Because, um, of course, the life I had, how would I get through it without having PTSD type things in me like chronic anxiety and depression and things that get triggered and popped up, and I've been in and out of counseling for a long time because of that. But there's a lot of anxiety with speaking.

Speaker 2: 16:44

Yep.

Speaker 1: 16:44

Right and you cover that. Don't you about navigating that?

Speaker 2: 16:54

Yeah, and thank you, thank you for bringing that up. Um, I, you know, also, like you, I've experienced chronic anxiety off and on in my life for various reasons. Um, and that's why the third part of my method, my uh, my third, my third and you'll see that on my YouTube channel as well, I have a video about preparation and the phase three, yep, the preparation phase is where, okay, we've decided what we want to believe, we've worked on some skills. Now we need to actually rehearse that and plan ahead for whatever conversation we want to have and for those natural communicators out there, those lovely people who it just flows for them, you know, and they don't have to plan ahead. That's great, and there are some natural speakers like that, but the vast majority of us, we need a little bit more. We need just a little extra push to get that that uh conversation to be a little bit more polished, or to make sure that we keep our emotions in check, because emotions can really derail a conversation.

Speaker 2: 17:53

Um, and to be thinking ahead about, okay, what is my, what is my goal. You know, let's say I'm going to have, um, a conversation with my mom, and maybe there's a little bit of tension there and it feels kind of high stakes. So I go into that conversation and I decide what is my goal? What do I hope to accomplish with my mom? Am I trying to just say my piece? Am I trying to maybe change a dynamic between us? Am I trying to you know, I don't know set up a future time for us to spend time together?

Speaker 2: 18:25

Or you know what's the goal, and then from there backing into that goal and deciding okay, how do I want to prepare that conversation? What would be a good time? What would be a good setting? What kind of body language do I want to use? Right, I want to be relaxed. I want to send my mom a message that you know I'm here because I love her and I want to connect with her. So I want to really, you know, prepare. How does my face look? How do my shoulders look? Are my arms crossed or uncrossed? Things like that.

Speaker 1: 18:55

I have, like I said three because my stepdaughter actually raised her when she was 13. So I usually say I have three daughters because I do so. One is a psychologist, one is a counselor at the VA and the other one's a teacher. So they're all very well spoken, they're all opinionated. None of them are afraid to say, none of them are afraid to say what's on their mind. And I used to feel that I was walking down the eggshells sometimes, and my therapy has helped me a lot by doing what you just said. You know, like if I had a misunderstanding with one of the girls I know what one I could just come right out and say what's going on, what do you want to do? I have another one that I have to like be a little bit more. Bring it in casually, you know. I mean, there's just even just introducing the subject to the conversation. Sure, so yeah, you have to do that. And my husband, you know, with the Parkinson's, of course, he's in stage three, which affects the executive part of your brain.

Speaker 2: 20:11

Okay.

Speaker 1: 20:13

And usually we were very off the cuff and everything. We ran a bar together, for heaven's sakes, so you can't imagine, okay.

Speaker 2: 20:22

That sounds fun.

Speaker 1: 20:24

But we drank then I've been sober for 35 years, but when we drank it wasn't so much fun when I got mad.

Speaker 2: 20:32

Yep, it's fun until it's not.

Speaker 1: 20:34

Yeah, but what I was getting at with him is I needed to. I disagreed with him with something and I was telling him I might have raised my voice I'm not sure but I was telling him I might erase my voice I'm not sure, but I was disagreeing and he looked at me and he said I couldn't win an argument with you before I had Parkinson's. I surely can't.

Speaker 2: 20:59

Yes, yes, and it's. It's true that we do have kind of these natural dynamics that develop with each one of our intimate relationships and and that's smart, that's smart. Communication is knowing your people and kind of knowing their styles and what is going to resonate with them and what's not saying with one of your daughters. There's a little bit more thought that goes into your word choice or how you bring it up versus the other one, and that's been the case for me with my husband.

Speaker 2: 21:31

I'm a very direct communicator. When I'm at home, I tend to say whatever the first thing that's on my mind, and I've learned from my relationship with him that he's a little bit more sensitive to things like tone and facial expression. And so, even if I have the best intent, I want you know the best for him, and I'm I'm giving him maybe a suggestion or a piece of advice. If my face is not, um, looking kind, or if my tone is not sounding nurturing, that piece of information is not going to be received by him. He's going to have a block there because of his natural style and what resonates with him. So I've learned a lot of those things too is slow it down.

Speaker 2: 22:17

Take my time, don't you know, find a moment when it's calm, there's no rush, right. Don't just first walks in the door. Don't bombard him when he first walks in the door, don't bombard him with things, right? You know, those kinds of things are not my natural traits, but when we're working with our close family and our people that we, we really want to connect with them. That's the goal. We want to connect, we want to love them, we want to um, have exchanges of conversation that benefit both of us, and in order to make that happen, sometimes we need to make adjustments. So that's a part of that preparation piece of the program.

Speaker 1: 22:56

Because I'm a very quick talker and a very quick thinker sometimes too fast and so I mean I have the idea, I can think about it, implement it and have it out there. So I don't do well in a team. The only way I do well in a team is if I'm running the team. Yes, because I'm very good at organization and coming up with plans and delegating and speaking. But I was actually on two boards of directors, one for my church and one for a nonprofit in my community and it just wasn't a good fit because one was the conservative, one was the church, two conservative and churches right now are dying, so they don't need conservative ideas, they need something big Sure. And the other one, their view. Their mission was very different than mine. They were about having fun and I was about getting information that would help the seniors, because I had been an independent living skills trainer for disabled people.

Speaker 1: 24:13

So finally I kvetched about it to my counselor every two weeks and she said, okay, you're going to stay on the board. And I'm like, yeah, I'll just try to. Finally I don't know how long it took me. I said I quit. She said which one? I said both of them in one day I did. I just had to because they weren't going to change. Yeah, the only thing that changed was me, and obviously I was not a good fit for either. One Doesn't mean my ideas were wrong or I was wrong, but I didn't belong in that mindset, and mindset is very important to me you know?

Speaker 2: 24:52

Yep, absolutely yeah, and I think that's smart. You know, I think knowing yourself and your strengths, knowing what type of communication kind of naturally flows for you, being aligned with the mission of of the people that you're working with, is so important. And I think, too, you know those opportunities. You know to say no to something or to say I'm going to have to resign from this, or to step back and say you know what? I was wrong, I thought this was a good fit and it's not. Those things are very um, there's a lot of integrity in saying, hey, I made a mistake, I need to change course. But it's so difficult for people to do it because we've kind of invented this thing where, like, mistakes aren't allowed and we all got to be successful and we all got to know exactly what we're doing.

Speaker 1: 25:39

And that's just, don't forget your ego, yeah, ego thing too because I'm on the board of directors, so your ego doesn't want you. Because I'm on the board of directors, so your ego doesn't want you to not be on the board of directors they are such an important thing but of course not if I'm not making anything happen except getting an ulcer.

Speaker 2: 26:00

That's right. That's time to say.

Speaker 1: 26:02

I'll find something else. So since I quit that, I wrote another book. So there you go.

Speaker 2: 26:09

There you go, look at, look at what you know. Beautiful things can come from changing course, right, and I think, yep, and I think that that's why, you know, a part of my program is helping women to even draft a script, sometimes, if needed, drafting up a script of how could I say no to something? I'm totally overwhelmed, I don't know how to say no.

Speaker 1: 26:34

What is?

Speaker 2: 26:35

a few sentences that I could use as a as a conversation starter, just to get myself started in the conversation and have a way to gracefully have that conversation.

Speaker 1: 26:45

Yeah, because then, because I was very good at things all of a sudden it was like, oh, she can do our Facebook page and oh, she can write the article every month for our newsletter, and oh, and, you could probably take care of the volunteer list and you can get a speaker next month. And I'm thinking, oh my gosh, this is a lot and I was doing it for two different entities. And finally, and then not really being appreciated like personality less, whatever so, and usually all you need is one person to scowl at you or push up, push back all the time, and that's all you need, and you go. Am I supposed to be here?

Speaker 2: 27:31

Good for you. Tapping into that emotional response is important.

Speaker 1: 27:36

I have so many health problems. We could do a whole show on my health problems. Pick myself, and the same thing with the first two husbands. I finally had to pick myself, and the same thing with the first two husbands. I finally had to pick myself over the rest. And it doesn't matter if I love them or if the one is the father of my children. Now I had to leave, so this is getting into more conversation, but it's good.

Speaker 2: 28:00

It's good stuff. Communication, that's what I mean. Communication reaches all these parts of our lives.

Speaker 1: 28:05

So what are some of the results or benefits that you've seen with your clients after working with you for a while?

Speaker 2: 28:13

Yeah, yeah, I have. I have some amazing women that I've had the privilege of working with and I've seen their lives really transform through this method. I've seen, you know, friends who were having struggles with family members. Um, you know, I'm thinking of one friend in particular who was having some challenges with her mother-in-law around how are we going to take care of my daughter? You know, some of those parenting issues can become very emotionally charged and it is high stakes because you know, this is, this is her child and she wants things done a certain way. But she was having a hard time speaking up for herself or feeling heard. Um, through my program she was able to figure out some better word choices or how to get her point across, some better body language, some better timing and logistics of those conversations and figuring out you know what is my mother-in-law's communication style, how can I meet her where she is so that I can be heard a little bit better? And through that I watched her relationship, their relationship, really blossom. It was really really beautiful to watch that.

Speaker 1: 29:23

I also think to pick your battles For sure Very important. There's something that you know she's never going to budge on. It's like let that one go Right For sure. Yeah, um, so you, we talked about you have a webpage and, um, would you say, you have a podcast of YouTube.

Speaker 2: 29:48

Yep, we yep. I gave you my YouTube handle and my webpage, and I'm also on Instagram. Those are the three places that I hang out online and I publish a lot of free content on there. And then, if women are interested in going deeper, then I would love to hear from them if they want to get in touch and check out my mastermind program.

Speaker 1: 30:07

Sounds great. You know I am going to send you a digital copy of my first book. Okay, and that'll? That'll be your fee for today. And after you read that, first of all, leave me a review, because I don't know if everyone knows, you don't have to buy the book on Amazon to leave the review. You can't. And when you're reading that, see if there's some things that maybe connect to your message, because I think you will.

Speaker 2: 30:40

Yeah, and then I think there's a lot of alignment with what you do and what I do?

Speaker 1: 30:46

Yes, and then get back to me in an email and just if you see any topics that pop up that we might discuss, we'll do this again.

Speaker 2: 30:56

I would love that. Thank you so much. What a treat. I would love to read your book. Thank you so much. While you're in labor, that's right. While I'm sitting here waiting for this baby to come, I'm like, oh, please, can it be today. I have so much back pain, you know. I just want to get it over with.

Speaker 1: 31:15

You'll be fine, it's your second one.

Speaker 2: 31:17

Yeah, it'll be great.

Speaker 1: 31:19

So, everyone, I don't know about you, but I learned a few things and I hope that we've provided some additional insights and tools for everybody, and I thank you again, erin, for coming. So remember, express yourself, don't be afraid to express yourself, just do it with forethought and we'll see you. Bye-bye, thank you.